d**** honestly save my life i think

feeling super emo

2 hours of sleep

drank a bunch

i jus wish i could be normal

I should be happy. Why am I feeling this way

i miss d**** // sometimes i think i wish i never quit but life did get better without

but life can be bad without too

Yea my doctor thinks i should quit but tbh i dont want to

Weeks late lol but happy birthday!

I need to quit p*** for my own good

it's not a long term strategy tho

I no longer believe a better future is possible. Inside or outside of myself.

In five years, I kill myself.

whats normaL?

Not being bipolar or a d*** addict

Murder on my mind

existence is brutal

one day i'll muster the courage to kill myself

😢

Crippling depression.

My job just got infinitely harder. Trump really going to f*** me hard again.

no joke

I was working this new job that was so overwhelming

Gotta deal with so many things at once, opening door via a system, vetting people, all in a command centre while dictating what guards, engineers, and housekeeping should be doing

Like lemme break down just one busy 10 minutes in a day

While im chilling and its calm, all of a sudden I see a homeless guy enter the parking lot on cameras, so I gotta check which guard is available at the time and not on break to dispatch them, while thats happening I get a call on the radio that another homeless dude entered the South Building and went upstairs, south has a separate security unit so I gotta dispatch them and keep in touch with these two separate units.

Meanwhile an event is going on on the 2nd floor, I gotta unlock Doors 13-15,18,19, while also keeping an eye on the two homeless dudes on camera while also keeping in touch with the guards. The system is complicated and opening doors 13-15 is not as easy as just searching it, theres a map with over 500 doors I gotta memorize.

One of the homeless guy (parking lot) is getting aggressive so the guard tells make a choice, I gotta make the decision to call the cops, I do this, while the other homeless guy in the south building says he'll leave in 10 minutes. I call the cops and they ask 15 questions, I keep saying im just relaying what the guard on floor is telling me... Questions like what does he look like, how is he being threatening, any weapons, the whole stuff.

Then after a few minutes they say they'll send someone there, no ETA though.

Meanwhile theres a leak on the 15th floor , a random person with broken English calls it in on radio, I say where is it, since the building is massive. They give me a vague description so I have to send a janitor without all the details. Now I get another call a homeless person not related to the first two has locked themselves in the bathroom, and a lady has fainted on the 15th floor related to the event. I have to call the ambulance now, and split the guards now to deal with this person. Both these calls are related to the event going on, so now I have to call in event security, another whole separate group delegated only to secure events... And they have callsigns I have to memorize on top of the regular gaurds.

Then the fire panel will go off, theres some sensor not working on the 4th floor, again have to send an engineer, ask him whats wrong and then log It. I have to log all of this in btw, every call I make or incoming. Then to top it all off I have to do footage review for the incident where police came in, using multiple cameras from 10-15 angles and stitching it all together so my superiors have video evidence In case anyone sues.

This is a small example of just what happens in 10 minutes, the job hosts events with up to 5000 people like TED talk and other huge events...

One week back 2 back I had to call the ambulance 18 times in the span of two days, after that my nervous system has been wrecked am I'm still recovering half a year later. Very hypervigilant

Man f***in incident yesterday starting to catch up to me. Got my fight or flight response / anxiety increased for sure. At first I didn’t think nothing of it, but my mind wants to continue to think about what happened and I know minds aren’t good at recalling things. So now I am having thoughts about it likely different than it happened. And I keep thinking “what if this? What if that?”

I just gotta let it happen. Soften. Soothe. Allow.