Happy birthday friend.

This world just aint fair.

Do whats best for your mental health

Thank god I been saving tho

Ah
Family bankrupt
Kicked out of our home
Lockdown
Football career after 25yrs down the drain
Car broke down mid high way 8 at night in da cold rain where I had to wait another 2hrs for help

Some dude broke into ma car, sat on ma backseat as i entered the car again, saw him obv shook af and threw my soda can in reflex at his head, nigga sprinted out like a chicken yelling sorry but obviously damage done=
MAJOR PTSD

Landlord bein a racist af schmuck
Omg in racists f***ing everywhere these days but yeah am the victim role :(
And so much more

Got diagnosed with ADHD after a prolly year long mental breakdown
Which also happened to tell me that i had been suffering from major depression, aggression, anxiety etc issues since i was 15...
Like my mind from August until November was really psychotic, i remember jack s***
Just reminded me that literally no one cares when ur sad
Even when ur roaming around the city like a bum, crying and talking to urself looking for a shadow spot near the water, puking, knowing every thing that seemed sane is officially lost
Mfer was even dissociation like idk wtf happening

Then to top it off, helped someone escape death, got blamed for it 2 days later so yeah my depression really got thrown off a cliff into a dark hole
Now ofc they have excused themselves for shouting at a clearly disturbed and shocked black kid in the middle of tje hospital, it's few days after this my therapist, really suggested i start with meds
Obv holding a lifeless body in ur hand isnt considered enough real trauma for todays folks

So here i sit
2021
All alone
Anyone ive reached out to has just either just put me on ignore or told me to shut it and get on...

Only good thing that happened was the music

But yeah
Realized soon too that all ma ADHD personality quirks were connected to me being black. Which also helped mz conclude;
I had a very toxic youth, many very toxic friends and Teachers etc

I finally after 25 yrs decided to tell ma mom bout some issues and she literally started crying

So yeah
All this adhd, depression,social anxiety etc is now diagnosed at peak levels

I can barely function honestly
Meds helping my mind balance somewhat
Friends been overrated
No one out there even wannz f***ing listen or understand
But as said; none of my friends were ride or die to begin with but thanks to ma ADHD ass i kept going back as they kept "abusing" it really

My head is dead weight
I feel like a walking punching back on the street that just captures neg mental emotions only
Cant even fake a laugh
Cant even keep eye contact
I cant sit still
Im literally just there

Every f***in corner,every car, every voice etc scares me
Either depression kicking in
Social anxiety waving hi
PTSD dancing with me
ADHD brain seasoning it

Wow life is great

Niggas just wanted the pretty dude to be happy and stoopid
Cause just like all ma life;
"He been feeling unheard and neglected. As if he doesn't exist"
-therapy rapport

And well look
It's the same good old friend waiting for me again
Solace
Loneliness
Pain
Masking pain/faking happiness

Yesterday i felt close
Alot of obstacles and thought barricades seemed to disappear in the mist as the dark took over
And i rode this bull and followed it wherever it catapulted me
Its destination seemed clear; absolute freedom and disconnect
But the road to it still vague

Time is also non existent
Aint been knowing time a whole year
Its a blur
A different reality

Like i should be ranting with ma friends or whatever
Instead am here
Jheez even saved a persons life but got so guilt tripped it felt like i actually didnt do s***

Being black
With a mental disorder
In a white conservative bush country
Uhu

Signed a deal and not literally one person was happy
Heck i couldn't be happy, cant even remember tje meeting,nigga was already drowning in depression

But yeah feeling invisible used to that...
Only when its time to point out the neg, people is there to lmk
And trust me they lmk
More so. Than any accomplishment or grade i ever had

Now i cant even enjoy s***e anymore
So whom am i doing it for
Cant remember anything
So can't validate myself
So i just end in another pool of despair

Funny how i was always so empathic cause of ma youth
Thzy said good karma would come, specifically after saving someones life

But nah, im just swimming with sharks, as they feast on ma scars anf misery

Love it

Gratefulness

Good thing life is a choice
Short or long
We all decide and decided
Every mark i attempted to leave on earth
Was on a dusty ground, as the wind swept it away
Attempt after attempt
But still hanging onto the same life line
I was 10 when i first told my best friend
I was 14 when i had collapsed in the inside
25 when my body and mind just completely disconnected
Somewhere called nowhere is where am seated
Memories? Distorted
PTSDs? Vivid
Identity? Not quite sure

Nigga it look like batman finna fly off one of these high rises at any minute.

Rip mark fisher this foggy s*** was his whole vibe

Hold on I'm meant to treat this alcohol like a d***? Nah lol I'm good luv

this drain life i’m about iiiiit

i’m the founder

i foundeeeeed

My covid tests are coming back negative.

Still feeling sick tho. And I rarely get sick.

It's not the work that's draining, it's what I'm puttin my hand towards is draining.

I just don't f*** w this.

My ear is in shambles

Funny, way some people exhibit such a thirst for risky knowledge, and an even greater aversion when presented with it, in the form of mockery or plain disbelief.

Skepticism is fair, but different from fear.

Stop jerking off.

I don’t feel like linking up with her anymore

oh man walked into that one

The Vibe

I’m so ready.

Once again I am addicted to cooking shows

Warm light or cool light?

Imo warm